I woke up this morning and the fog was so thick I couldn’t make out even one mountain. It feels like the very thing that defines my existence here has silently stolen away in the night. And now this morning I feel like perhaps I’ve never left, that there are some things that may never change. Tried to call Him last night…too busy getting an article ready for the NY Times. 2 weeks of silence. There are moments when I fear my fierce independence will lead me to a fierce lonliness. But I suppose that there would be little different about the situation if I had stayed in the States. I wish I didn’t love so deeply, so fiercely, so wholly – if only for my own protection; to keep this vulnerability at bay. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” maybe for us distance forces you to take back the pieces you’d once so happily given to some one else. Maybe this distance doesn’t allow such feelings to grow, maybe this distance is too much and forces you to withdrawal into yourself – just for sanity’s sake, to keep you from going crazy because you know it’ll be too long before your yearning will be satisfied. Maybe we aren’t meant to live in such anticipation. This is the moment to work on being responsible for my own happiness, even though there are moments when I miss Him so intensely that my body aches for Him, that I cling to my green scrap of him and try to drink in the faint perfume that is left of him.