It's 5:55 Saturday afternoon, I'm in bed. I could sleep until it was time to go out tonight. The ability to sleep anytime of the day or night is something I've retained from college. I'm rereading my favorite book for the first time in a few years, it affects me differently this time around. I remember reading it lying in bed in India, now I read it lying in bed in Italy. At some point in the future I should read it in the US. I remember the first time I read it thinking Kundera's words were beautiful and unusual, unlike anything I had ever read. I remember them being thought provoking and needing to stop sometimes after reading a paragraph to digest what he was saying. Most of all I remember thinking how much I enjoyed the philosophy but was absolutely distant from the characters. There was no way I could identify with them. How this life has changed. Three years later I find pieces of myself in each of them. The desire for freedom within love of Tomas, the yearning for "something higher" in Tereza, and the saucy mistress, Sarina, the only one in control...I too yearn to be weighed down by the body of a man.

In that desire I'm finding myself to be more irresponsible. La Medica warned me to be careful with the Casanova last night, she knows, she's walked this road before. In reality the advice has really only hightened the intrigue. With the brief exception of The Mason I've never done something I know I shouldn't done it because it feels good in the moment, done it because my ego and my body are leading rather than my head.

"There are only 2 reasons you get involved with a Casanova. 1 you have an inexplicable need to hurt yourself or 2 you want to show him you're more of a Casanova than he is"...I suppose every word is true. I'm not sure what my motive is in this. I'd like to say it's the latter, but in reality I'm not sure I'm capable of it. I suppose perceived capacity hasn't stopped me from trying in the past, why should I let it now. I don't think I'm fighting any masochistic tendencies at the moment, so I'm going to go with showing him I'm more of a Casanova than he is for my motive.