This morning I woke up to a rainbow right outside my window. Not that I could see it through the window, but if it was a tangible thing I could have grabbed it. It was stunning.
Today I realized I've been living in Europe for exactly one year. One year ago I landed in Madrid, over slept my alarm and was a few minutes late for my first Pueblo Ingles meeting. 365 days ago I spoke much better Spanish, set my first foot in Europe, and changed my life forever. 12 months ago I didn't speak any Italian, couldn't navigate public transportation, and thought I was moving back to the US in March. It's hard to believe how different my life is from a year ago. I'm now a veteran of transatlantic flights, I am officially an expatriate, and it's been difficult to say the least, but I'm proud of myself. I've made it through a year, only 12 weeks before the big move.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Through
I made it through, all the anxiety for nothing. As much as I wasn't ready to come back I'm so incredibly thankful that I'm here without any problems. Thoroughly uninteresting flights, a good does of a sleeping pill that I haven't quite slept off at this point, and not a second look at passport control. Some one asked me more questions for my 2 hour lay over in Dublin than they did for my 3 month stay in Italy. But that's just fine with me. A few more hours on a train and I can collapse into my bed. I'm ready to stop doing transatlantic flights for a while. It's hard on my body. I need sleep so badly but it's only 12:30, by the time I get home it'll most likely be close to 4:30-5 so if I can just keep myself awake for a couple more hours after that I might be alright. But at this point it could prove quite a task.
Now just to prepare myself for the insanity that will be the next 3 months. Friends I haven't seen in what feels like forever, friends I've yet to meet, stress unknown to me and operating on an inhuman amount of sleep. But this is most likely the last time I'll be able to do something like this. So I've got to soak it up and no matter how much I want one more night of sushi with Scott and Aniko or one last drink with Kelsey, Taylor, and Red, I have to put them all on hold for a bit. These moments that are yet to come this summer are going to be much harder to recreate after these months. The things I wasn't ready to leave at home are my constants and I have to remember that they'll be there when I return.
Now just to prepare myself for the insanity that will be the next 3 months. Friends I haven't seen in what feels like forever, friends I've yet to meet, stress unknown to me and operating on an inhuman amount of sleep. But this is most likely the last time I'll be able to do something like this. So I've got to soak it up and no matter how much I want one more night of sushi with Scott and Aniko or one last drink with Kelsey, Taylor, and Red, I have to put them all on hold for a bit. These moments that are yet to come this summer are going to be much harder to recreate after these months. The things I wasn't ready to leave at home are my constants and I have to remember that they'll be there when I return.
Monday, June 08, 2009
I can't
I can't do this, the thought of setting foot on that plane takes my breath away for a minute. I'm absolutely uncertain as to what will happen when I step into passport control in Milano. I want to finish what I've started at Agape, but I'm not ready to go back yet. I thought 2 weeks would be enough time to let me basque in the euphoria of home, of speaking English, of seeing old friends, being there for graduation. I thought it would be enough to enjoy those things and long enough to make me ready to go back to Europe. I was wrong...
There was time to enjoy all of those things, but every moment was bitter-sweet. Each second was tainted with the fact that it had to be short lived. That I needed to soak it up because I'd have to live without it for the next 3 months. I spent my time with one foot in the present and the other living in the dread of the immediate future.
I'll spend the entirety of these flights trying to breathe through the anxiety of the visa check in Italy. I don't want to leave everyone stranded for the summer and I know I'll be fine once I get there. Twelve weeks will fly by but I suppose that a move back to the States earlier that expected wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.
I feel like my whole body could give out any second, I'm so anxious. I just want it to be over. No more 10 hour flights, no more trying to sleep vertical, no more airplane food, and no more worrying about crushing the person who is behind me. I don't want to feel like I live in an airport anymore, I don't want to stress about customs, or visas, or passports, I don't want to think about what's happening to all of my things in storage, I'm ready for some type of stability.
There was time to enjoy all of those things, but every moment was bitter-sweet. Each second was tainted with the fact that it had to be short lived. That I needed to soak it up because I'd have to live without it for the next 3 months. I spent my time with one foot in the present and the other living in the dread of the immediate future.
I'll spend the entirety of these flights trying to breathe through the anxiety of the visa check in Italy. I don't want to leave everyone stranded for the summer and I know I'll be fine once I get there. Twelve weeks will fly by but I suppose that a move back to the States earlier that expected wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.
I feel like my whole body could give out any second, I'm so anxious. I just want it to be over. No more 10 hour flights, no more trying to sleep vertical, no more airplane food, and no more worrying about crushing the person who is behind me. I don't want to feel like I live in an airport anymore, I don't want to stress about customs, or visas, or passports, I don't want to think about what's happening to all of my things in storage, I'm ready for some type of stability.
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