"People like it when you tell them things, in suitable portions, in a modest, intimate tone, and they think they know you, but they do not, they know about you, for what they are let in on are facts, not feelings, not what your opinion is about anything at all, not how what has happened to you and how all the decisions you have made have turned you into who you are. What they do is they fill in with their own feelings and opinions and assumptions, and they compose a new life which has precious little to do with yours, and that lets you off the hook. No-one can touch you unless you yourself want them to. You only have to be polite and smile and keep paranoid thoughts at bay, because they will talk about you no matter how much you squirm, it is inevitable, and you would do the same thing yourself."
Words of wisdom come from some of the most unlikely places. Last night I got an e-mail from The Kate that was the most kind and beautiful way of forcing me to face a difficult reality about myself. She told me she'd been doing some reading and realized that although the political science widows chat about all the aspects of our lives and we've spent alot of time together she realized she doesn't feel as if she knows me at all. She knows the public image of me, who I want the world to see me as, the things I have done and decisions I have made but not all of the emotions or contradictions and internal conflicts that have led me to the life I now lead...and it's true. I have a carefully crafted idea of how I want people to perceive me, I want to be the thoughtful, open woman who has waters that run so deep everyone is intrigued but few people are willing to explore the abyss; that I am different than the woman the world expects a 22 year old American girl to be. But at this moment I don't know if I'm truly that woman. I suppose the question is not whether or not I am that woman but rather why I want to keep most people standing on the edge of the ocean instead of inviting them into the water. Getting hurt is possible, I suppose, but I wonder what it feels like to really let some on in. How do you feel when you can be absolutely bare with some one. When will I be able to strip away the pieces of that publice image for some one? This isn't to say that no one really knows me. Sure there are friends who have known me my entire life but there are still pieces of me that are hidden away, all of my intense pain or desires that may not fit into the strong woman image I want people to see. Hopefully somewhere along this trip I'll begin to be able to let a person into the core of my being. A life long work that will have to begin here.
