Monday, March 30, 2009
There is a fog, a mist, a heavy down blanket that has taken up residence in our mountains. It has filled all of the valleys, wrapped itself around our houses, and seeped into our thoughts. I can no longer see the village from my window, just as I can no longer see the looming spring in Ohio...I wonder about what is happening in both of these places when I stare into this blank white wall. It is the manifestation of the isolation I sometimes feel living in this place. I know I am alone here, that was my intention. The highs are incredibly high and the lows some of the lowest I've felt in this life. All because I am alone. I have achieved a goal and learned a new language and I know that I've done it on my own. There is support somewhere across the ocean, I know, but I have figured this all out on my own and am the one who has had to stumble, fall, pull myself up, and start climbing again. I am the one who looks at my hands at the end of the day, the hands that are now burned and cut, the hands that may spend the rest of their existances perfumed with onions and garlic. My feet that ache and split from the dry mountain air, and my hair that hasn't been cut in almost a year, because it just isn't a priority. And I know that this is the sacrafice for this adventure. And there is no high higher than knowing I have done this all on my own. But the same goes for the lows. I am all alone in this adventure. And I remember this all as I stare into the opaque cloud that shuts me off from the world. I remember I am alone, and I wonder what it is inside of me that forces me into these places. What drives me to chosen exile, to incredible distance, to seek a life where the unusual is the familiar? And above all, why do I do it alone?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Just like a few months ago the only thing I could write about was the snow, now the wind in invading everything. Trees bend to the point where it appears impossible for them not to break. The top layer of snow whips itself into a frigid, sandstorm, and the mountians refuse to offer us a moment of silence. The insessent howling, the world around us constantly in flux, not in some philosophical or metaphorical sense, but actually and physically in flux. The snow melting, sandstorms beating against the stone of our house, pieces of my world which have been hidden away for months are suddenly emerging. This however does not feel like spring. These pieces that I'm seeing for the first time in months are made from concrete and stone, they are bare and broken tree limbs which have beeen buried for months on end. They do not resemble rebirth. They are gray and broken, they are dead and disfigured, or made of a substance that has no life cycle. They are things that are bruta e morte and are just now coming to light. There is a rebirth of death and maybe this is what the mountains and myself need to flush out of our systems before we can hope to bring anything into a new existance. The dead needs to be exposed, fall away, and become the mulch, the compost, the nutrients, of the things to come. And only in letting it melt away into the Earth can the ugly furnish the beauty that all of us are waiting for.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It seems like I have misplaced just about all of my creative energy for the moment, so I apologize to the 5 of you who regularly read this blog. I suppose a brief update on my life will have to suffice at the moment until I can come up with something better. So here's a brief rundown of activities in my mountains...
1. I finished my first retreat with a school. I haven't been so exhausted in a long time. It was wonderful and frustrating and I perfected the phrase "No, we cannot throw iceballs at our classmates" in Italian. It looks like this "No, non possiamo lanciare palline de ghiaccio a nostra compagni." I'll get to practice it again next week when the next school arrives. On the whole, though it was a good time, I took 25 11 yr olds snow shoeing for the afternoon, I've never been so exhausted after only a 2km hike. I taught some traditional dancing, I love how this task gets deligated to me and I'm not even Italian. It's always fun though, and I really enjoy it, but I'm sure the parents of those children must be confused when they arrive home telling stories about how a tall, blonde, American girl, taught dances from Piemonte.
2. We can the Cena Giovane for all the young people in the village. I was in the kitchen for 10 hours that day but it was worth it. Each of the other residents made a brief apperance to cook something from their country of origin and in the end we had an incredible menu, an abundance of food, and some slightly tipsy chefs. We all ate well and too much that night.
3. The Cassanova has made another brief appearance. We stepped outside for a few minutes after La Cene Giovane, which turned into a couple hours, but who's counting. We had a rather intense converstaion about his fear of being left and why he refuses to have a relationship. This was followed by him telling me that he wanted something different now and that he might like to try to have a relationship with me. I don't know how this potential situation with me inspires less fear seeing as I'm scheduled to leave the continent in 6 months, but who am I to judge. Maybe I'll be like the practice girlfriend before he is ready to start a more serious relationship. I'm not completely convinced of this yet anyway, it could possibly be some elaborate ploy to try to get me into bed. He just doesn't know that I'm smarter than that yet...I suppose he'll find out soon enough. In the meantime we had a make out session that was a bit reminiscent of middle school years and which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm not really holding out any hope for this whole thing and I doubt there is much potential to feel anything for him, but at least it's entertaining, and I don't really feel bad about just entertaining myself with a Cassanova.
4. My final ski outing is planned for this Friday, but I might be able to squeeze another one in the following week, we'll see how it goes. I'm pretty pumped to see Wolly and hit the slopes. I have a pretty good record of meeting interesting people when we're skiing together (see date in Torino). So who knows maybe luck will strike twice or maybe I'll just have a good time skiing with a good friend. It seems like either way I win and I like those odds. Also it may be a little easier to ski this time around seeing as I don't plan on falling off the roof this Thursday like I did before the last time we went. So all in all it looks like it's gonna be a good day.
5. I don't know that I have a number five, but 4 just seemed like a strange number to leave this at so I guess I'll fill number five with this: I've been rocking out to The Weakerthans alot lately, missing the people and places their music reminds me of, but I've successfully staved off the homesickness it could potentially evoke. So on the whole it's looking good here in the mountains, I'm still looking forward to that trip back to the States in just over 2 months, but the Italian Alps are doing it for me now. I'm finally feeling like I live here, this is my house, and this moment counts as real life too.
1. I finished my first retreat with a school. I haven't been so exhausted in a long time. It was wonderful and frustrating and I perfected the phrase "No, we cannot throw iceballs at our classmates" in Italian. It looks like this "No, non possiamo lanciare palline de ghiaccio a nostra compagni." I'll get to practice it again next week when the next school arrives. On the whole, though it was a good time, I took 25 11 yr olds snow shoeing for the afternoon, I've never been so exhausted after only a 2km hike. I taught some traditional dancing, I love how this task gets deligated to me and I'm not even Italian. It's always fun though, and I really enjoy it, but I'm sure the parents of those children must be confused when they arrive home telling stories about how a tall, blonde, American girl, taught dances from Piemonte.
2. We can the Cena Giovane for all the young people in the village. I was in the kitchen for 10 hours that day but it was worth it. Each of the other residents made a brief apperance to cook something from their country of origin and in the end we had an incredible menu, an abundance of food, and some slightly tipsy chefs. We all ate well and too much that night.
3. The Cassanova has made another brief appearance. We stepped outside for a few minutes after La Cene Giovane, which turned into a couple hours, but who's counting. We had a rather intense converstaion about his fear of being left and why he refuses to have a relationship. This was followed by him telling me that he wanted something different now and that he might like to try to have a relationship with me. I don't know how this potential situation with me inspires less fear seeing as I'm scheduled to leave the continent in 6 months, but who am I to judge. Maybe I'll be like the practice girlfriend before he is ready to start a more serious relationship. I'm not completely convinced of this yet anyway, it could possibly be some elaborate ploy to try to get me into bed. He just doesn't know that I'm smarter than that yet...I suppose he'll find out soon enough. In the meantime we had a make out session that was a bit reminiscent of middle school years and which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm not really holding out any hope for this whole thing and I doubt there is much potential to feel anything for him, but at least it's entertaining, and I don't really feel bad about just entertaining myself with a Cassanova.
4. My final ski outing is planned for this Friday, but I might be able to squeeze another one in the following week, we'll see how it goes. I'm pretty pumped to see Wolly and hit the slopes. I have a pretty good record of meeting interesting people when we're skiing together (see date in Torino). So who knows maybe luck will strike twice or maybe I'll just have a good time skiing with a good friend. It seems like either way I win and I like those odds. Also it may be a little easier to ski this time around seeing as I don't plan on falling off the roof this Thursday like I did before the last time we went. So all in all it looks like it's gonna be a good day.
5. I don't know that I have a number five, but 4 just seemed like a strange number to leave this at so I guess I'll fill number five with this: I've been rocking out to The Weakerthans alot lately, missing the people and places their music reminds me of, but I've successfully staved off the homesickness it could potentially evoke. So on the whole it's looking good here in the mountains, I'm still looking forward to that trip back to the States in just over 2 months, but the Italian Alps are doing it for me now. I'm finally feeling like I live here, this is my house, and this moment counts as real life too.
Water
Every ounce of water has been sucked out my body, winds storm that swirl my thoughts into physical existance have wiped it all away. They've turned me into a tundra, a desert. I stand in warm rain for what feels like hours and I walk into the world with an insatiable thirst. There are no tears to cry, my eyes have dried up as well. They don't serve me at this point anyway. At this point where my heart is shriveled, cracked, a prune, and refuses to force the sand that was once my blood through my veins. And I try my hardest to find the well. I dig and dig, through sand and dirt and clay in the hopes of finding a tiny stream. But only the cycle of the moon will tell if a flower will spring forth in this desert, if a root will burrow it's way deep enough to find an oasis under the cracked surface.
Just over 2 months until I head back to the States. It seems like it will be insanity here until then: groupls, schools, staff meetings, Italian lessons, and one more round of skiing. The whole thing is just a blur...Ohio for 10 days, 3 days in New York, and then back to Italy for the summer. In theory 2 months seems like a long time, but I know it will fly by. The wind storm outside feels like the content of my head has been set loose on the world. Rushing about, destroying, and reordering the world. Bits and pieces in places you never expected them, but maybe it isn't so bad that they aren't where you originally put them. Maybe I need something to shake up the order of my life.
I've been thinking alot about September today. Feels like the pressure I escaped from my senior year at Denison is coming down on me now. The fear that I have to decide the rest of my life this moment. What will I do? Can I even find a job right now? Where will I live? All of the logisitics associated with finding a job and apartment on the other side of the planet. I know it will work out, the same way the Europe worked out for me, but that doesn't mean there isn't a bit of stress involved. Maybe that's what keeps me on my toes enough to make things work out. I just need to tackle on major life decision at a time, it's that once piece at a time that I'm having trouble with at the moment.
I've been thinking alot about September today. Feels like the pressure I escaped from my senior year at Denison is coming down on me now. The fear that I have to decide the rest of my life this moment. What will I do? Can I even find a job right now? Where will I live? All of the logisitics associated with finding a job and apartment on the other side of the planet. I know it will work out, the same way the Europe worked out for me, but that doesn't mean there isn't a bit of stress involved. Maybe that's what keeps me on my toes enough to make things work out. I just need to tackle on major life decision at a time, it's that once piece at a time that I'm having trouble with at the moment.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
7 years
Today makes seven years...Unfortunately I couldn't place a stone on her gravesite. For one reason, my mother never believed that Jews shouldn't be cremated and instead is happily in the ocean at Salmon Creek, the second being that I can't be at Salmon Creek today seeing as I live in Italy at the moment. So instead today I headed up the mountain, it seemed like the perfect representation of life and death at the moment, my mother in the sea and me on top of the mountain. We live not in contradiction, but in continual relation to the dead, and for me being on top of the mountain, and thinking of that sea somewhere over the horizen was the moment I needed to hold on to her memory and a tiny piece of my sanity. I said my Mourner's Kaddish today in the mountains in Italy rather than on top of the hill behind our house where we used to watch the sunset and I was okay with that. This is the first year I was enable to walk through the day without tears threatening to spill any second, without having to force myself from my bed, without wishing I hadn't woke this morning. Today I relished the idea that she was the water I drank and the breeze that rushed past me, that all of these moments which sustain me in this life are her. That the strength I have to live away from everything I've ever known is her, the appreciation I have for this life is her, and the love I recognize in those around all began with her. And although there is a piece of me that was broken today 7 years ago, a piece that I don't know will ever be mended, I've found a way to work past it. I know she didn't give me this tenacity, this desire for internal peace, and this strength so I could waste it in mourning. And so I'll leave my Mourner's Kaddish here as well...
Magnified and sanctified be G-d's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen. Magnified and sanctified be G-d's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen. Magnified and sanctified be G-d's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen
Monday, March 16, 2009
On the upswing
I don't know if I've discovered the cure for homesickness for all Americans living in Italy, but I've found the cure for mine this time around. It starts with a healthy dose of International Women's Day partying with the women in my village, is promptly followed by Purim at home with friends, then a trip to Torino, a date, and finishes with a whirlwind weekend in Milano. And presto you feel like your old self again...
What a week! We finished with the group that was here for the weekend, cleaned the kitchen and the women of my house got dressed like real women, not mountain women, and met about 40 other women for dinner, drinks, and dancing at the local pub. You can read more about that fantastic night here. It was really what I needed to start getting back to my old self. Thankfully I had a day of recovery in between to get ready for Purim. That day in between really resulted in alot of sleeping off of a hang over and sleeping through my fast for the day, but come Tuesday I was ready. I spent the day cooking some of my favorite comfort Jew Food and in the evening we had a really wonderful meal. That fantastic dinner was followed by the drinking of alot of wine, and the playing of silly games, which got more and more ridculous and the night went on. How I love playing board games in a language I've only spoken for 7 months. I had one more day of recovery and the headed to Torino on Thursday morning. I didn't realize how much I needed to be out of the village until I set foot in the city. Just a change of scenery lightened my heart. I headed out to see some friends, made a trip to an international book store, picked up a few Henry Miller books and was really starting to feel like me again.
Which was good seeing as I had a date that night. Not just any date, this date was my first, first date in nearly 5 years. I know it seems rather impossible...but I was with Him for 4 years and that doesn't leave much room for first dates and although I'd been seeing The Gypsy for a couple months there was no official first date involved, it just kind of happened. Needless to say I was feeling a bit nervous at such a prospect, but it went well. I met him after his German class, he cooked me an impressive Italian dinner, and there wasn't a moment of awkward silence through the entirety of the time we were together. Unfortunately I got the ever popular "I just got out of a long relationship and I'm not looking for anything serious right now" line, which we all know means "I'm really just trying to sleep with you tonight". But, I'm still going to count that night as a success.
1. Because I succeeded in having a first date all in Italian with no awkward moments of me not being able to find the word I needed.
2. Because I met and had dinner with some one not associated with Agape in some way and
3. Because all in all I had a good time.
Friday I met up with a couple members of my staff and we all grabbed the train to Milano together. It was so nice to be kicked back with the boys for a change. I know the women I live with aren't your typical women and we don't have crazy petty fights about boys or shoes, but there is something that just puts me at ease when I can kick back say what I want and not have some one competing with me, when I'm with a group of guy friends. And as proud of myself as I am for having met and had a date with some one not associated with the center in some way I was also in needed of some time with those who know Agape and can actually understand what I'm talking about in some aspect. I really needed a couple hours to chat with Fede, with some one who has been a resident, and can say "I understand" and mean it. After our Friday night chat I was ready for the weekend of staff meeting/incredible amount of fun. Lots of wine, lots of laughter, and just being. I know almost everyone thinks that their staff for the summer is fantastic and the best, but I'm sure that mine really is. We all get along well, we laugh, we're creative together, and it's a good support system for me that I was unaware of. I got home last night absolutely exhausted, content to be sleeping in my own bed again, and ready (or so I think) to face the crazy week ahead.
What a week! We finished with the group that was here for the weekend, cleaned the kitchen and the women of my house got dressed like real women, not mountain women, and met about 40 other women for dinner, drinks, and dancing at the local pub. You can read more about that fantastic night here. It was really what I needed to start getting back to my old self. Thankfully I had a day of recovery in between to get ready for Purim. That day in between really resulted in alot of sleeping off of a hang over and sleeping through my fast for the day, but come Tuesday I was ready. I spent the day cooking some of my favorite comfort Jew Food and in the evening we had a really wonderful meal. That fantastic dinner was followed by the drinking of alot of wine, and the playing of silly games, which got more and more ridculous and the night went on. How I love playing board games in a language I've only spoken for 7 months. I had one more day of recovery and the headed to Torino on Thursday morning. I didn't realize how much I needed to be out of the village until I set foot in the city. Just a change of scenery lightened my heart. I headed out to see some friends, made a trip to an international book store, picked up a few Henry Miller books and was really starting to feel like me again.
Which was good seeing as I had a date that night. Not just any date, this date was my first, first date in nearly 5 years. I know it seems rather impossible...but I was with Him for 4 years and that doesn't leave much room for first dates and although I'd been seeing The Gypsy for a couple months there was no official first date involved, it just kind of happened. Needless to say I was feeling a bit nervous at such a prospect, but it went well. I met him after his German class, he cooked me an impressive Italian dinner, and there wasn't a moment of awkward silence through the entirety of the time we were together. Unfortunately I got the ever popular "I just got out of a long relationship and I'm not looking for anything serious right now" line, which we all know means "I'm really just trying to sleep with you tonight". But, I'm still going to count that night as a success.
1. Because I succeeded in having a first date all in Italian with no awkward moments of me not being able to find the word I needed.
2. Because I met and had dinner with some one not associated with Agape in some way and
3. Because all in all I had a good time.
Friday I met up with a couple members of my staff and we all grabbed the train to Milano together. It was so nice to be kicked back with the boys for a change. I know the women I live with aren't your typical women and we don't have crazy petty fights about boys or shoes, but there is something that just puts me at ease when I can kick back say what I want and not have some one competing with me, when I'm with a group of guy friends. And as proud of myself as I am for having met and had a date with some one not associated with the center in some way I was also in needed of some time with those who know Agape and can actually understand what I'm talking about in some aspect. I really needed a couple hours to chat with Fede, with some one who has been a resident, and can say "I understand" and mean it. After our Friday night chat I was ready for the weekend of staff meeting/incredible amount of fun. Lots of wine, lots of laughter, and just being. I know almost everyone thinks that their staff for the summer is fantastic and the best, but I'm sure that mine really is. We all get along well, we laugh, we're creative together, and it's a good support system for me that I was unaware of. I got home last night absolutely exhausted, content to be sleeping in my own bed again, and ready (or so I think) to face the crazy week ahead.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Crying in the shower
It seems I've been dealing with a bout of homesickness, in some form, for about the past month. But the past few days it has hit an all time high, or perhaps that should be low, I'm not sure at this point. All I know is that I terribly miss Ohio and all contained therein. I didn't think I would ever say, or in the case type, those words. There seems to be no cure for this and seeing as I don't have any choice but as to stick it out until the end of May I'm feeling more than disheartened. There are things that should make this go away, friends visitings, ski outtings, up coming travels, and though in the moment I feel wonderful, surrounded by friends, experiencing the world, and always learning about myself, the moment that these things are over I revert back to this feeling of incredible lonliness. In relishing the memories of the day I find myself thinking about all of the people I haven't seen in 6 months, about all of the major life events I've missed, or will be missing, and I'm aching to be back in Ohio.
When I first found out that my mother was terminally ill I would only cry in the shower, I didn't want my emotions distracting from the things that needed to be done and I didn't want my mother to see me be anything but strong. It's took me a long time to break that habit, to admit to myself that it's okay that I have moments when I'm emotionally overwhelmed and that crying is a natural part of being a woman and human being. I found myself heading to the shower last night so that no one could here me crying out for something familiar, crying out for the ability to lay my head in my grandmother's lap, to have a date with my sister, to grumble about my father wanting to take me to dinner at an Italian restaurant. That shower and the one I took this afternoon washed away alot: the sweat and heat from my first run of the season and the tears from my face, but at the end my hands still smelled like onions and garlic from the kitchen and I still had to speak Italian when talking about how far I'd run this afternoon. I don't really know how to deal with this, there is no cure. I know that I am living in a self imposed exile. I don't want to continue to wallow in these emotions but at this point I don't know how to deal with it in a constructive manner. I've read a string of really horrible books solely because they were in English, Nick Hornby fans I'm sorry but I seriously considered not reading every again after finishing one of his books. I've been avoiding journaling and subsequently blogging because I feel like this is the only thing I can write about and in reality I don't want to drag those who read this down with me and I don't want a detailed record of these emotions. This post is a last ditch effort to rid my system of these feelings, to get back to my old self, the person who is happy when confronted with challenges, the girl who loves speaking Italian even if she does so with a Charlie Brown accent, and the girl who is constantly trying to learn from the world around her. That said; letters, post cards, e-mails, facebook messages, are welcome as a way of cheering me out of this slump. Hopefully the next post will be happy, more introspective, and about something much more interesting.
When I first found out that my mother was terminally ill I would only cry in the shower, I didn't want my emotions distracting from the things that needed to be done and I didn't want my mother to see me be anything but strong. It's took me a long time to break that habit, to admit to myself that it's okay that I have moments when I'm emotionally overwhelmed and that crying is a natural part of being a woman and human being. I found myself heading to the shower last night so that no one could here me crying out for something familiar, crying out for the ability to lay my head in my grandmother's lap, to have a date with my sister, to grumble about my father wanting to take me to dinner at an Italian restaurant. That shower and the one I took this afternoon washed away alot: the sweat and heat from my first run of the season and the tears from my face, but at the end my hands still smelled like onions and garlic from the kitchen and I still had to speak Italian when talking about how far I'd run this afternoon. I don't really know how to deal with this, there is no cure. I know that I am living in a self imposed exile. I don't want to continue to wallow in these emotions but at this point I don't know how to deal with it in a constructive manner. I've read a string of really horrible books solely because they were in English, Nick Hornby fans I'm sorry but I seriously considered not reading every again after finishing one of his books. I've been avoiding journaling and subsequently blogging because I feel like this is the only thing I can write about and in reality I don't want to drag those who read this down with me and I don't want a detailed record of these emotions. This post is a last ditch effort to rid my system of these feelings, to get back to my old self, the person who is happy when confronted with challenges, the girl who loves speaking Italian even if she does so with a Charlie Brown accent, and the girl who is constantly trying to learn from the world around her. That said; letters, post cards, e-mails, facebook messages, are welcome as a way of cheering me out of this slump. Hopefully the next post will be happy, more introspective, and about something much more interesting.
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