Monday, June 23, 2008

On wholeness

"Pleasure is the absense of suffering"

I have an intense desire to be wholly in this place -- disconnected from friends and family. The ability to drift into a lifestyle where ever I am frightens me a bit. Everything I "truly love" is thousands of miles away and I sit happily in my tiny alpine village - just me, the mountains and a desire to sort out my soul. I just want to live...simply live. I have this magnificant education and I'm happier working in a kitchen and spending lazy afternoons surrounded by the giants of the earth than I ever was working on any research or project. I want to discuss lofty ideas, muse about love, and choice, and freedon, but live away from the majority of the world. I know this year was supposed to be an experiment in simply living, finding out what I truly need and I find myself looking around trying to find some one to share it with. I hate feeling like I'm no good on my own. I like to have a warm body against mine and I hate the fact that at this moment I have little regard for whose body it is. I need the touch of another human being to validate my own humanity in some way. Maybe the lesson I need to learn this year is not about simple living but more about a new type of self reliance. That no matter how much I desire another body the validation of my humanity and choices have to come from myself. I just hope that sometime in the near future I start to feel that way, rather than simply saying it. Soon, soon...I will settle into my own skin and this silly desire for a warm body will either be satisfied or disappear.

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