New month...new decisions

August! When did that happen? I feel simultaneously like I’ve been here forever and I’ve only just arrived. I think I’ve officially become a hippie – I now own a pair of Birkenstocks, but only wear them when absolutely necessary, I go a week without wearing make-up, shave only when I can’t stand myself, and sing around a bonfire at least once a week. I must admit it’s quite perfect.
The past few days I’ve been missing Him terribly so last night I decided I was in desperate need of hearing his voice. It may have been the best phone call since I’ve been away. It was so comforting to hear his voice, to tell him about my new life, and hear all of the wonderful things he’s been doing since I’ve left. I asked him to come to Italy in December and he sounded pleased at my request. I wanted to take this trip and say I could choose him or anyone else I wanted and that any relationship I had was a matter choice but now I think perhaps it isn’t a matter of choice but of need. I’ve had other boys since I’ve been here, and shared a bed with one on several occasions, but the reality of the situation was that even in that moment I felt nothing for that man. Perhaps I didn’t miss Him, and maybe I was trying to fulfill some need I thought I had for physical comfort but no one has yet to stir any emotion inside of me. I slept in another man’s bed but could have been sleeping alone, not to say that it didn’t feel good to be wanted and I didn’t enjoy huddling close to another body when I was cold in the evening, but all of it was devoid of emotion. I think in realizing that I need or want Him, whatever the situation may be. I’ve liberated myself emotionally. I’m not longer fighting something or searching for the emotional of physical comfort of another man. I can relax into myself and even though I’m living for a moment months away with a man a world away I feel content. It’s good for me to know that although it’ll be months before I see Him at least the moments I spend with Him will be filled with emotional satisfaction, that I’ll feel something when he touches me other than the warmth of his body slipping into mine. My soul will be warmed in that moment as well. I’ll no longer fight against myself to give of myself to some one who means nothing more to me than anyone else I live with. Although this moment seems light years away it gives me reason to wait knowing that the moment will be worth it. That once again I’ll get to be one of those couples who run to embrace each other at the airport and kiss with a crowd around them like they are alone in the world. I wanted so badly to walk away and say I don’t need any of that but it simply isn’t true. I suppose the answers we find when we are truly looking are not always the ones we expect to find but perhaps this one is one of the most honest – it wasn’t what I was looking for or what I wanted to find, but some how the truth managed to find a way to seep in even in the midst of my desire for something else. Love has certainly found a roundabout way of getting to me, but nonetheless it has found me and its presence is one of the things I am most thankful for in this strange existence I’m proud to call my life.