Two worlds collide

There are moments in this place where the world I live in and the world I aspire to come dangerously close to mingling in the hazy low hanging clouds of the Alps. I relish the sliver of a limbo I’m now living in. I sit with my wet hair in a damp and dreary world that feels as if the mountains are gently wrapping a lacey blanket around my golden body. I listen to a song that takes me to several places all in the same instant: back to late night drives home, back to long flights to the farm, back to café lunches of alligators and discussions of why vegetarians can eat ducks. Despite the fact that I live in worn out jeans, bare feet, and without make-up I feel more beautiful than I have in the entirety of my existence. I know that what others see are not my clothes or well done make-up but my soul shining through my whole body. My heart isn’t visible only on my sleeve but in my eyes and on my lips, I wear it as patches on my ripped jeans and as shoes on my bare feet. I am wholly myself at every moment, and there are times when I have to remember to breathe, remind myself that this life is real, and that the hazy fog that surrounds me at this moment isn’t the rousing of a dreamer whose sleepy world defines my existence. Remind myself that the fairy tale around me is a result of my choices, my struggle, my tears, and my world, which makes it all the more sweet. This world is mine because of love and choice. I’ve chosen to leave those I love to find out what and in some cases who I really love. I’ve chosen this struggle of language, of solitude in the midst of a crowd, of distance, of self reliance, rather that the struggle of obligation, apartment searching, and moving trucks. And these moments where I’m alone but not lonely, sitting safely wrapped in the blankets of clouds, happily looking like some type of street urchin are my reward. Moment of peace I’ve only felt while seated quietly on my Taize cushion while the scent of incense slowly fills my soul now become a common afternoon occurrence.
I no longer feel like I’m struggling against myself: that the distance I’ve put between myself and the entirety of my life to this point has enabled my soul to expand to full capacity, to grow into what it has been attempting for the past several years but was confined to the size of my body. In this moment I feel not as if my soul inhabits my body but rather like my body inhabits my soul.