Cold nights

Still no warm body next to me at night and I've started to do some serious thinking about Him...no conclusions yet. If I can leave for this long and not really miss Him maybe that should tell me a few things. I do feel bad about not having checked my e-mail in a couple weeks to see if He's written, but more because I don't want to hurt Him rather than the fact that I really miss Him. I suppose I've only been gone for 3 weeks so all of this could change in time. I think that right now I miss the physical comfort of that relationship. I miss the idea of having some one at home waiting for me, but I think that that also would change if I started a bit of a summer fling with some one here. I feel like a bit of a school girl trying to hedge my bets...who knows. I want to be more self sufficient when it comes to things like this, not to need someone to comfort or validate me. I don't want to go home and make things permanent with Him because I need to be in close proximity to another human body. I want to do it because I love Him, but at this moment I think that any relationship I have will be based on my need for a warm body and not genuine emotions. Knowing that makes it difficult to treat some one as an ends in themself and not just a means to an ends.

I want to feel like that incredibly self assured woman I was in Guatemala, but it's proving much more difficult than I had imagined when I left. I thought I would leave home, come to Europe, and easily grow into that woman. But I just don't feel like that's happening at all. Instead I'm feeling more and more awkward in my skin and finding it difficult to express myself or generate conversation with some people. Perhaps it's because I'm not sure I'll come across as the woman I want to be. I'm afraid that instead of the intriguing, wandering soul I'll come across as merely average and trying to be something that I'm not. Since The Kate has written me that lovely e-mail about really revealing myself to some one I've been trying quite hard to attempt to let people in, but instead I think my consiousness has made it nearly impossible for me to show people the public or private version of myself. I find myself caught in a strange limbo where nothing that I show anyone seems true, this distorted public image, that is quite differient from the one I usually display, and I can't seem to let anyone into the core of my being either. Such an inability make me very unsure of what that core really consists of. I suppose only more time will tell. I think part of what I'm lacking is I've yet to have a meaningful converation with anyone, the kind that start when you're the only two people left at the bonfire or the ones that start right before you plan to go to bed but instead spend another 3 hours solving the problems of the world. I think one of those conversations would do some good for my soul, hopefully in the near future one of those will happen. I suppose until then I'll keep tring to find the space I fit into, not at Agape, but rather on the whole. How I can have enough faith in humanity to let people into my soul without worrying about the possibility of pain or rejection, just letting the world see me for me and let the consequences fall where they will. So much work to do on myself, I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards but I suppose self recognition is the first step in understanding myself and becoming who I want to be.