Walk of shame

Well the truth of it seems that I suck at leaving complicated relationships behind me. Spent last night in J’s bed trying to explain that I don’t believe in sex without love. He asked me what I was doing there then. I don’t know…maybe it feels good to be next to somebody, maybe I just like feeling desired, maybe I like having the power to say “No”. I know that I can’t detach emotion from my physical being. I need to be careful about having this fling. I don’t want to end up hurting myself or some one else. I don’t know what I was doing there…Looking for something I don’t know I can find. I thought perhaps I would be able to validate my humanity through some one else. – but I don’t think that’s possible when the connection is only physical. So this morning I got up and made my “walk of shame,” ashamed only of the truths I didn’t tell and the false hope I keep giving that something more may come of this when I know the reality of it is that it won’t.