7 years

Today makes seven years...Unfortunately I couldn't place a stone on her gravesite. For one reason, my mother never believed that Jews shouldn't be cremated and instead is happily in the ocean at Salmon Creek, the second being that I can't be at Salmon Creek today seeing as I live in Italy at the moment. So instead today I headed up the mountain, it seemed like the perfect representation of life and death at the moment, my mother in the sea and me on top of the mountain. We live not in contradiction, but in continual relation to the dead, and for me being on top of the mountain, and thinking of that sea somewhere over the horizen was the moment I needed to hold on to her memory and a tiny piece of my sanity. I said my Mourner's Kaddish today in the mountains in Italy rather than on top of the hill behind our house where we used to watch the sunset and I was okay with that. This is the first year I was enable to walk through the day without tears threatening to spill any second, without having to force myself from my bed, without wishing I hadn't woke this morning. Today I relished the idea that she was the water I drank and the breeze that rushed past me, that all of these moments which sustain me in this life are her. That the strength I have to live away from everything I've ever known is her, the appreciation I have for this life is her, and the love I recognize in those around all began with her. And although there is a piece of me that was broken today 7 years ago, a piece that I don't know will ever be mended, I've found a way to work past it. I know she didn't give me this tenacity, this desire for internal peace, and this strength so I could waste it in mourning. And so I'll leave my Mourner's Kaddish here as well...

Magnified and sanctified be G-d's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen. Magnified and sanctified be G-d's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though G-d is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen