The moment I think I have at least a portion of this life figured out the universe sets me straight. "We can't truly appreciate the good until we understand, until we experience the bad, the ugly..." how many times have I said those words? 10? 100? 1000? I don't want to utter them anymore. I have experienced and I can understand. K is in the hospital with a tumor on her pelvic floor, consultations with oncologists tomorrow. I'm sick of sickness. I want some one to be responsible for all the shit dumped into our water, leeched into our soil, all of the poison in our bodies. Everytime I hear this news I feel like I'm waiting for my turn. And so I've escaped from the house for a bit, writing at the Alpi. I just keep writing, maybe nothing to say, but I need the comfort of the pen, some place where I'm in control, at this point this is the place where I know I have power, where I'm in control of the situation. At the same moment I feel like I'm discovering my power in other aspects of my life I'm rediscoving my powerlessness in others. The inability to do anything for some one I love, my inability to comfort from a distance. I'm discovering my arms are too short, my legs not fast enough to reunite my heart in Ohio with the rest of my body that remains in Italy. Inability...I hate that his word exists in my vocabulary. If it were written I would tear the word. I hate feeling helpless almost as much as I hate the irresponsibility of those who have posioned my world. I hate it. It's not often that I use that word, but I mean each sound to it's fullest. And now I need to end it. Release if from my bdoy, leave it here on the page, close the book, and be finished with it. And so I'll end with the same words I ended this conversations with The Dancer;
D: I got tulips for Valentine's Day
M: I got kisses, and not from Casanova
D: And...?
M: And it's more complicated than Casanova.